“Things Happen for a Reason”

  I have always been a frequent user of this phrase, but it wasn’t until recent conversation with a friend that I questioned the meaning behind.  To be fair, I thought that I generally believed in the phrase, however it was true that I hadn’t given it great thought. 

Upon deeper analysis, I found myself using the phrase in two different instances.  The first was to provide an overarching and ambiguous explanation to an undesired occurrence.  For example, when my sister was very upset when she was injured in a soccer game, I would try to mollify her pain by unleashing this great and powerful statement (upon reflection I can see how this wouldn’t provide any amelioration and actually even cause further consternation – “What does that even mean?”).  I employed this phrase when there was such a negative event that only a saying of this magnitude could appropriately respond to it. 

The second instance was to justify a series of events that had produced a current situation.  So this would be like, “Well, I met this person, who taught me how to do this, and that’s how I got this job.  Man things happen for a reason.”  This doesn’t not carry the same negative connotation as the first instance, however it is used with the same intent- an acknowledgement that there is a greater purpose behind actions. 

Back to the original conversation with my friend that caused this introspection.  She shrewdly pointed out that the use of this phrase implies a belief in a religious ideology – specifically the confirmation that there is a greater power/being /force at play in life.  She then posed this question – would an orphaned child with had just lost his family in a terrible accident agree with the phrase?

One of the great truths that I try to live by is the saying, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”  So when I was questioned about the use of my go-to phrase, “Things happen for a reason” I realized that I had not given the proper attention to the use of such a heavy phrase.  Ultimately, I was confronted with the question, “do I believe this is true?”  Do things really happen for a reason? 

Well the answer is…unclear.  I would be the first to tell you, one of the most important journeys I am on is the spiritual.  Like many things, my beliefs are not stagnant and can certainly shift with new revelations and events.  But they are not fluid and unformed either.  To equate it to a physical item, it would be clay. 

This question brought on an onslaught of contradictions.  I am an optimist but I am also a realist.  I agree with the idea that I am in control of my life- that I determine my destiny.  But I also agree to a certain extent that there is a purpose for me. 

What is most troubling about the phrase “Things happen for a reason” is the implication that life is predestined.  The thought that regardless of your actions, things will play out a certain way and nothing will alter that.  From the movie “The Matrix” to the bible, this has always been a great question in human existence.  A anti-religious person, might say “Things don’t happen for a reason.  They just happen.”    

What’s the moral of this story?  I guess it’s this- I am still learning my faith.  It is the questions like the one my friend posed to me that are essential in this process.  As a result of our conversation, I have posed this question the three people already.  But as an advocate for truth, I can no longer continue to say the phrase.  Therefore, I have replaced it with another that I genuinely do believe:

“There is meaning in everything.” 

The Role of Family in Parenting

Again I am drawing on an article that has infiltrated the mainstream.  While not as popular as the Ted Williams saga, this story carries more serious implications/accusations.  The article I am referring to appeared in the Wall Street Journal on January 8 and is entitled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior”: LINK 

As a member of a large and successful family, it is fair to say that I am a student of parenting.  I believe it is the most challenging and meaningful job in the world.  For this matter alone, it would stand to reason that my curiosity on the subject is insatiable.   

This particular article can only be described as controversial.  The author, Amy Chua, published this article as a testimony that the “Chinese” (or “Eastern” as I will refer to it in this post) method of parenting is superior to the Western style.  Despite many people’s beliefs, the purpose of this is not an incendiary tirade (civil discourse anyone?) against the Western style of parenting.  Chua genuinely believes in her method of teaching, and although she outright criticizes the Western style throughout the article, she does so with the primary purpose of helping the reader fully comprehend the Eastern style and her reasoning behind it. 

For me there are three key points I took away from Chua’s article: the definition of success, the level of autonomy that a child needs, and the definition of parental support.   

It is an accepted truth that all parents want success for their kids.  However, beyond this the universal truth’s in parenting are few and far between, and the divergence can be seen no better place than with the diverse interpretation of success.  For the sake of brevity, let’s focus on the meaning that Chua assigns to success.  Simply put- it means being the best.  Nothing less and no exceptions.  Chua points out that the A-minus on a test would cause the Chinese mother to “gasp in horror and ask what went wrong.”  And most importantly, success is determined by the parent.    

Another large focus of this article is the level of autonomy a child should have in their life.  In the Eastern method, parents have total control of the child’s life and decisions.  From what activities to participate in to how they allocate their time, they are the decision makers on all matters.  Chua goes into length about the unwavering rule over her children’s lives and as far as she is concerned, parents know what’s best and their children and they must follow their command.  Key quote: “Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.” 

The final component Chua underscores in her piece is the definition of parental support.  According to Chua, Eastern parental support is not only executed through tough love (which she explains is because they believe the child is confident enough to handle it - an odd sign of respect) but also through hours of dedication toward a shared goal – getting the ‘A’ on the test, mastering the musical piece, or attaining the valedictorian ranking. 

Through these three focal points and further animated with personal anecdote at the end of the article, Chua paints a style of parenting that is very different that the style that many American children and parents are unaccustomed to.  After reading Chua’s article and reflecting on my personal beliefs for parenting (nearly all being the opposite of Chua’s) I developed an overarching theory that produces these very different approaches to parenting: the importance of the individual versus the importance of the family unit. 

For Chua and the Eastern method, it is apparent that everything can be condensed down to the family.  The individual doesn’t exist.  The parent’s life is so interconnected with the child’s that they are one.  The rebellious child who gets in trouble does not bring shame to himself/herself, they bring it to the entire family.  When a child succeeds, the family (more specifically the parents) succeeds as well.  Now apply this concept to the previously identified focal points in Chua’s piece: success, autonomy, and parental support. 

It all adds up.  Success is determined by the parents because they know what is best for the family; the lack of control is clarified with the knowledge that the parents’ perspective will guide the family to a successful outcome; and the consistent parental support is not because the child needs it but given because the family depends on it.        

I personally view the individual as the most basic unit in life.  I believe that true happiness (which also includes success) can only be found within the individual.  The individual is in control of their decisions (this point could easily take a turn for a religious theory discussion but I will abstain).

However, I believe that family (or relationships) is the single most important part of the individual.  Similar (but not identical) to Chua’s logic, relationships are the greatest determining factor in a person’s life.  But they are part of the individual. 

Now, here’s my belief structure applied Chua’s three points of success, autonomy, and parental support.  Genuine success is bred from personal desire and therefore the individual can only find true success if they are invested in their endeavor.  For the individual to find success they must have ownership in their decisions.  Life is trial and error.  The only way find the true path is through the knowledge that it is that the individual has chosen it.  When growing up, children rely on their parents to help them understand the meaning of decisions and consequences.  Along this line, parental support is most effective when it teaches the child to succeed on their own.  Support is the knowing when to reign the child in, being there when the fail, celebrating with them when they succeed, and teaching them along the way.  It is ultimately parenting them to succeed without them.

While there are endless approaches to parenting, there are elements of value in almost all.  End of the day, the most important thing is to develop a parenting style that is based on love.  This I know all parents can agree on.             

  

True Heroism

Recently, much attention was given to the story of homeless man Ted Williams and his instant rise to fame with his undeniable appealing announcer-like voice.  Williams was living on the streets when a local reporter recorded video of his golden radio voice and posted it on YouTube.  Long story short; the video went viral (I’m talking epidemic viral- millions of views in under a day) and garnered the panhandler instant notoriety.  The success of the video not only launched Williams into the spotlight, it was resulted in various (and likely lucrative) job offers. 

With the heinous shootings in Arizona this week (which I will discuss in a forthcoming post), there has been a lot of discussion about heroism.  Williams is by no means a hero in my book.  His success is the product of a natural ability, a technologically saturated environment, and the public’s love of the underdog story.  But within his story is the portrait of a true hero.   

When discussing the original Williams story, one of my colleagues directed me to another story that had come out: LINK.  In short, Williams (caught in a cycle of habitual drug use) separated from his wife, Patricia Kirtley, 23 years ago and left her with four daughters to raise.  Kirtley not only raised the daughters, she also took in Williams’ son that he had fathered with another (also drug user) women and raised him too.  One more thing- she’s partially blind.  Two words: inspiring and heroic.  

The reality is that the knowledge of Kirtley’s travails never would have emerged without Williams’ innate talent.  However, it that doesn’t make it any less important.  Heroism is often conflated with fame and the two are most certainly not mutually exclusive.  I believe Kirtley’s story highlights the key tenants of heroism-  the ones that I strive to emulate in my life: sacrifice, service to others, and perseverance to name a few. 

This story resonated with me for two reasons.  The first is the ironic and stark contrast to Williams’ emergence on the national scene.  The public initially crowed about this man’s turn of good fortune (I’ll admit, I was one of them) because he was homeless and had fallen on hard times.  While no one called his situation “heroic” per se, many were drawn into his narrative and were happy when the attention he received gave him a path away from homelessness.  The ironic element is that while Williams’ story (and voice) granted him a life-changing opportunity, it is his wife’s story that is most compelling to me.  Hers is the tale glowing in pathos and illustrates the traits that create our understanding of courage.    

The second reason is that her story refocused my attention on the everyday hero.  It’s easy to forget the Kirtley’s story is not uncommon.  Mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, friends and others fight everyday to support those in need.  And often times they will overcome the most daunting of challenges to help another.  But while there are many of these stories, we need a face, an actual story, to help us comprehend real issues many of us endure on a daily basis.  What most affected me with Kirtley’s story is the factual manner in which she described her experiences.  So plainly and directly that I know that she never once came close let these overwhelming negative factors beat her- these factors that might have broken and defeated another.  Hero.   

Acts of heroism occur every day.  The mother working two jobs.  The father not eating dinner so his children can eat.  The friend being there in a time of despair.  We’ve heard them time and time again but that doesn’t make them any less inspiring.  And stories like Patricia Kirtley help remind us they are real and help me face the challenges that arise in my life.       

Introduction and Inaugural Posting

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

2011 is just underway.  I’m 25 years old.  But the question at hand is what compelled me to start a blog?  The answer to this question and the explanation of who I am will emerge with the future of this effort.   But let me begin with a very broad and brief attempt to engage you in my life. 

Let’s start with the quote.  For the intuitive among you, I am sure you have already tied the meaning of the quote to the purpose of this blog.  I believe that personal reflection is essential to achieving …enlightenment, peace, self-actualization, happiness – call it what you want (and I will get into that later) but it is what we are all searching for.  I also believe that people do not practice self-reflection enough.  It’s very easy to get caught up with the demands, activities, and realities of life.  The time to question “why?” is often replaced by the prescient need to “act”.

I think amazing, thought provoking things happen to us all every day.  Whether our minds are open enough to realize it, is the real question.  This goes back to perspective (which will be a meta-theme in this blog) and how I am continually trying to broaden my perspective.     

Back to the impetus for the blog.  Each day I find myself experiencing things that deeply affect me.  The best way to understand and learn from these is to share these experiences with others.  I often and try to talk with my family and closest friends about certain experiences that resonate with me but I want to continue this form of expression.  Additionally, I am an aspiring writer and this will help me refine my ability.

Going against my reputation for long-winded speeches, the format will be defined by shorter and more focused entries.  While I will be the author, my hope is that this will be a dialogue with those involved.  I can assure you that I will not only be willing, but eager to discuss any of these postings in more depth.  Furthermore, I would welcome the chance to speak with anyone that would like to contribute (photos, guest posts, etc.). 

So without further hesitation, I am entering the arena and encourage you to join.